I have a question: Was Alexander the Great gay? I am not sure the answer to that
but I can tell you that Oliver Stone thinks so. When Colin Ferrel asked Oliver Stone
how he should play Alexander, he told him to act exactly like Mr. Garrison from South
Park.
Instead of calling this movie Alexander they should have called it Alexander the Gay
or Alexander the Sucks. Alexander the Sucks would work best because it would both
describe the movie and describe what Alexander does throughout the movie. I
understand that dudes back in Alexander’s time used to take both male and female
lovers, but you don’t have to jam that fact up our butts.
The movie starts out with Alexander’s dad, played by Val Kilmer, trying to rape
Alexander’s mom played by Angelina Jolie. The first hint you get at Alexander’s
fabulousness is when he never breast feeds from Angelina’s wonderful tits. If
Angelina Jolie were my mom I would breast feed until she died. Then I would eulogize
her by saying, “Man, I’m sure going to miss them titties”.
Val Kilmer does a good job by playing the only straight guy in the entire movie. All he
does is get drunk and try to get laid. It is implied that he kills people in his spare time
which is cool too. He tries to pass these wonderful lessons on to his son but
Alexander resists. Val Kilmer kicks ass so they kill him off quickly.
Jolie nearly saved this movie with her hotness. I have always been on the fence
about her: is she girl next door hot, is she average, is she corn (corn = I would eat
the corn out of her shit to have sex with her). In this movie, she has risen to corn
status. Throughout the movie her nipples are so hard they could cut diamonds. Her
nipples would have saved this movie if they were in more scenes.
The next hint that Alexander listens to show tunes is when he starts the 'lovie' talk
with his boyfriend! This theme continues throughout the movie.
The rest of the movie goes like this:
Alexander makes an uninspiring inspirational speech -Alexander conquers –
Alexander takes on a new boyfriend in a new land – Alexander bones guys - Repeat.
It is like they took gay porn and edited out the gratuitous sex scenes.
Here are some examples: After conquering Babylon Alexander goes to the king’s
palace and stumbles on the exiled king’s harem of bitches. There were plenty of
hotties in this scene and was enough to bring on the beginning stages of a boner. I
welcomed this boner as my little soldier had become deeply entrenched in pubic hair
from all of the gay scenes. Alexander and his men walk in and start doing the
“everyone’s gonna get laid” Cattyshack style celebration. Alexander takes a look
around and finally finds what he is looking for. I will let you guess:
a) Girl with Big Big Titties
b) Two Girls with Big Big Titties
c) Girl with delicious ghetto booty
d) Effeminate gay dude from the Crying Game
If you picked ‘d’ you are correct. Not only that but the gay dude followed him around
for the rest of the movie. Your Macedonian tax dollars at work.
Here is another example of how horrible this movie is: Alexander has just conquered
some part of Asia and he decides to take an Asian wife. His Asian wife is played by
Rosario Dawson (who is part Puerto Rican and part Black – that makes sense). After
he marries her he goes to rape her which I guess was the custom back then. He rips
off her clothes and just before he consummates the marriage he pulls out some
scrolls and a knife for unknown reasons. I am guessing the scrolls had pictures of
naked dudes so that he could get hard. She steals the knife from him and threatens
to kill him.
None of that really matters though. In the beginning of this scene Rosario Dawson’s
shirt is off and her titties start flapping all over the place. Rosario Dawson quite
possibly has the best titties in the entire world. These boobs are the perfect mix of
firmness and floppiness. They are the type of big titties that plastic surgeons will
never be able to emulate. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of fake titties. But
the best titty-maker in the world is still God. I have a bruise on my head from running
into the screen in a failed attempt to suck on her whoppers.
Alexander gets her to put the knife down by giving her another one of his asinine
speeches. Not once during the entire scene did his eyes drop down to her cans. Not
once during his speech does he grab a hold of both titties and tune in Tokyo. What
the Fuck?!
In the end I was praying for them to kill off Alexander and get the movie over with. I
thought he was dead at one point when he is hurt in a battle in West Virginia. I am
not really sure if it was West Virginia, you never really know where they are (note:
geography is not my strongest subject. Actually, I am not good at any subject that
starts with 'g' and ends with 'ology'. Ask any woman I have eaten out about my poor
understanding of gynecology). I just know that there were a lot of elephants in this
scene and there are a lot of elephants in West Virginia so I am making an
assumption. Alexander's boyfriend tries to save him but an elephant bitch slaps him
(no seriously, it was an elephant). The movie goes on for another 20 minutes and it
is all crap.
I don’t really give a shit that they make Alexander gay. My philosophy on
homosexuality is that I do not care if you are gay, as long as you do not fuck me in
the ass. It’s just that they took up so much screen time with his gay romances and
filled the rest of the movie with weak battle scenes and horrible speeches.
This movie could have been good. They could have switched Val Kilmer and Colin
Ferril’s characters and made Alexander an ass kicking, beer drinking, country
western singing son-of-a-bitch. That and give Jolie and Rosario Dawson bigger
parts. As it stands, Alexander sucks more than an aspiring actress auditioning for a
part in one of my movies.
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