by Alex A.
“Big”, to retards, to Terrell Owens, seeing an adult who can’t or won’t do adult things is
fucking scary.
Watching a 40-year-old douchebag who’s chosen not to get any pussy his whole life is
fucking scary. If you’re 8, it’s cool not to like chicks. You’re a kid; you’re supposed to
be playing videogames & riding your bike, not trying to get laid. But if you’re over 15
and you’re NOT trying to get laid, then you’re a kid in an adult’s body, and that’s weird
and wrong. Kind of like those queers on Castro street that dress up in a baby bonnet
and diapers.
Unless he’s had his balls cut off by a lawnmower when he was a little kid mowing the
lawn, every man needs a release of some sort. If it’s not banging a girlfriend, it’s nailing
some skanky drunken bar slut, and if not that, it’s going to a massage parlor and
paying for some "recent American" to give you a hummer, and if not that, it’s going
home to a nice relaxing wank. If none of the above, then the man’s release is going to
be something dangerous and violent, like holding down an adorable furry kitten and
pouring battery acid in it’s tiny little eyes, or making a little old lady puke by shoving a
giant hardened dog turd down her throat, then forcing her head down & drowning her in
her own vomit. So virginity by choice is not healthy.
Here are a few bullshit scenes from the movie, followed by what would happen in real
life with a 40-year-old virgin.
Movie Scene - While other rude guys are out partying, Virgin spends all weekend at
home making egg salad, and playing with his action figures. He has so much
wholesome fun.
Real Life: Virgin spends weekend sitting on park bench, writing up a list of people to
torture. He mumbles to himself and looks around nervously.
Movie Scene - Virgin plays poker with buddies from work, getting embarrassed when
they start recalling sex stories.
Real Life - If you really were a virgin, you would have plenty time enough to make up a
great bullshit sex story. He would have them enthralled with his yarn about the time he
fucked a midget hooker up the ass while fingering a blind 300-lb black chick, all while a
skeletal toothless meth whore peed on them.
Movie Scene - Virgin takes girlfriend’s 16-year-old daughter to clinic for talk about sex.
The audience enjoys a laugh as he proudly admits to being a virgin.
Real Life - On the way home, Virgin pulls the car over, immobilizes daughter with duct
tape, cuts off both her arms, then sticks his pecker in her ear as she bleeds to death.
Movie Scene - Virgin innocently hangs around his new girlfriend, not once trying to
have sex with her.
Real Life - Virgin takes a glass bottle, shoves it up her ass, then kidney punches her
until she shits blood and glass.
Movie Scene - Virgin finally decides to wack off to some primo porn that his friend gave
him. He quickly loses interest in his own pecker, and watches the peckers on
“Everyone Loves Raymond” instead.
Real Life - Virgin sneaks into a graveyard & digs up a corpse. He claws out a rotten
eyeball, then shoves it up his ass. Then he abducts a young high school graduate on
vacation, pins her down and sits on her head. While he smashes her pelvis with a ball-
peen hammer, he shits the corpse’s eyeball into her mouth. Then puts her into a meat
grinder, sprinkles her with Cajun spices and feeds her ground-up remains to Hurricane
Katrina survivors.
The real irony of this movie is that every single guy who sees it sees it for one reason
only: to get laid. A girl sees a freak who doesn’t want sex, thinks “aww, how cute”, and it
warms her heart seeing that faggot on the screen, which makes her vulnerable to your
attempts to throw a leg over her later that night.
So the only reason to see this movie is if you somehow think your date will put out. It
has one or two moderately funny scenes, but it drags on and on, and watching a movie
about a guy who hates pussy is (by definition) gay.
In conclusion, the are a striking number of similarities between the Virgin and our own
John K.:
- Both have fairy-like high pitched voices.
- Both throw hissyfits when things don’t go their way.
- Both spend all their free time doing dorky things
- Both find Ray Romano more exciting than porn.
- Both are suspected “quiet type” sick murderers
- Do I really have a fairy-like high pitched voice? Why didn't one of you
fuckers tell me?!
- You call it a hissyfit, I'll call it being a captain and good leadership.
- If creating a website and playing Dungeons and Dragons is considered
dorky then consider me....nevermind.
- I resent that Ray Romano comment. Check back here later as I will post a
photo that will definitively refute that statement.
- "Quiet type"? Are you fucking kidding me? Since when could I be
considered a "quiet type" of anything. If I were ever to murder someone I
would most likely be described as a loud and obnoxious murderer with an
out of season tan...and Alex is now at the top of the list. That's right, I keep
a list.
