| - The Kris Kar Apartments by Ron Shanney First a little background; this guy I know lived in Kris Kar apartment his sophomore year at Cal Poly, and the year after that a couple of friends, Buster and Peewee (not their real names, their real names are Chad and Ryan) moved into the same apartment he had lived in. Buster and Peewee did not play rugby and therefore did not pee on themselves on a regular basis. Buster was one of those guys that should be called Howmuchyabench (thanks JK) and liked his world and anabolic steroids a certain way and didn't enjoy when things were out of whack. Peewee was in the math club. I am not making this up. One night this guy, we'll call him Ron Shanny, was at a rugby party after a game. At this particular party there were no girls to talk to so everybody filled the uncomfortable silences by drinking and having boat races. At some point the idea came up to go downtown, there's sure to be girls that want to have sex with us Downtown!! I think the actual quote from Beatty was, "Stovenpipensickle!! Hale-Bopp?" and Bertolero seconded the idea by making R2-D2 noises. Everybody filed out the door, but somehow Ron got separated from the group and became Drunk Lonely Guy. The first thing that went through Drunk Lonely Guy's head at this point was the thought of a double layer taco. He set off on his hike to Taco Bell, but was struck by the overwhelming urge to pass out. Now, any self-respecting man in this situation would pass out in the bushes, but Ron was no ordinary man this night. He used all his powers of deductive reasoning and realized that he was standing in front of Kris Kar apartments, and in fact his old apartment was right in front of him. "I used to live here, and now I know people who live here. They owe me a night on their couch". So Ron walked up to the front door and pounded with all his might. No response. Pound, pound pound. No response. It was at this time that Ron really started to shine. "I know, I'll just go in through the window. They won't mind and besides, they owe me". With all the grace of a retarded orangutan, Ron pulled off the screen, tearing it in the process, opened the window, crawled in, and passed out on the couch, dreaming of sugarplums and fat blind chicks. The next morning came around and Ron was woken up, rudely I might add, by Buster and Peewee wondering why he was there, and how he got in, and when he was going to leave, and all the other questions that normal people ask. I'd like to point out that a rugby player in this situation would not have been asking these questions if he found Ron like this. Apparently all the commotion was because Peewee's parents were coming over in the next 15 minutes. Buster was so distraught that he offered Ron a ride home just to get rid of him. On the way out the door Ron heard Peewee say, "What the hell??!?" Quick thinking saved the day, as Ron ignored him and kept walking. You see, Ron had noticed when he got up that his rugby shorts, which he was still wearing, were wetter than usual and the couch smelled like urine. In an attempt to cover his trail he tried the time honored trick of flipping the cushion over, but it was soaked all the way through. Somewhere in his alcohol soaked mind there was something that made him feel like he should do something, but he realized it would be better not to get involved, what with Peewee's parents coming over and all. Ron couldn't escape the watchful eyes of Buster, however, who asked about the wet shorts, and pointed out that this was his new Camero (sadly, not a Z28). Ron, using his rapist wit, mumbled something about spilling a beer and looked at his feet. When Buster dropped Ron off at his house (again, I am not making this up) Ron tripped over the curb and fell on the ground. The upshot of this is that Ron was not welcome back at Kris Kar, and Buster and Peewee didn't really see fit to want to hang out with Ron anymore. Ron was able to kill the pain of not hanging out with these two by drinking and not getting laid for the next two years. |
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| Current Photo of Sean Ranney (I mean Ron Shanney). Wanted on multiple counts of couch vandalism in San Luis Obispo and Santa Rosa. He is believed to be fulfilling his life's dream of body-slamming Mexicans as a Luche Librador in Tijuana. American authorities are working with the Federales on his extradition. |
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| Still to come - The Steven Hawkings Chronicles - Volume I |
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