(Names disguised to protect the guilty)
In my fourth year of college, a bunch of the scumbags from the rugby team
decided to go to Vegas for a rugby tournament. The tournament happened to
fall on the weekend that winter quarter ended in December. The timing could
not have been more perfect. Unfortunately, I could only get about 13 people to
go, and a rugby team requires 15 players. I called up my brother Matt who
was living in Idaho at the time, and he decided to come with a rugby buddy
from the team he was playing for out there. We had a team.
Since we were mostly broke college students, we got 2 rooms for all 15 of us
at the Holiday Inn Boardwalk. The Boardwalk is one of the shittier hotel
casinos on the strip, which suited us just fine. None of us were too picky about
where we went, and I believe we spent Friday night playing $1 roulette and
getting as shit-faced as possible at our hotel.
The rugby the next day was some of the worse I have ever played. As is
always the case when you play in a fuck-around tournament, one of our best
players, Adam, hurt his ankle and was out for the season. This was especially
bad because he had graduated the year before but took on a minor in his 5th
year to play another season.
My memory is a little foggy, but I believe my roommate at the time, Dumdum,
was the only one to go visit Adam at the hospital. The rest of us were
insensitive pricks.
Saturday night we went ape-shit on the town, visiting the seediest casinos on
the strip. Since we were all poor at the time, we needed to go to the cheapest
casino’s to gamble the lowest amounts. In addition, if you go to the cheap
casinos and tip the crack whore waitress more than $5 on your first drink, she
will feed you drinks like she feeds on meth. At one point I remember ordering
two drinks at once. The waitress told me she could not give me two drinks at
once, I gave her a $5 chip, she gave me a toothless smile, and magically two
drinks appeared in front of me. My brother, his buddy from Idaho, and I did
this for a few hours.
Eventually the drinks wore on me, and I did the drunken time warp to my room
(“How the fuck did I get here?”). Meanwhile, Dumdum had gotten a late start,
and was busy ordering drinks at a frantic pace while he played roulette at the
Boardwalk. I am told that he lost all his money, but stuck around for the last
drink he had ordered when he was still playing.
Dumdum was the last to stumble into the room. I imagine it was tough to find
a spot to sleep, with around 7 or 8 fat and drunk rugby players all over the
place. I guess he found some space, but he did not sleep for long.
Back at school, I had caught Dumdum sleepwalking on a number of
occasions. Usually it would happen while he was drunk, and usually he would
get up and try and piss in random places. You could sort of communicate with
him, but his answers to your questions did not make much sense. It was funny
and scary at the same time.
Back to Vegas. My other roommate at the time, the Albino, was sleeping
about 2 feet away from me on the floor, with the top of our heads sort of facing
each other. I woke up at some point when I felt liquid hitting my head. As I
came to, I remember wondering why someone was pouring warm water on
me. I lifted my head up, and the liquid hit the top of my head. As I looked to
see where it was coming from, I saw Dumdum holding his uncircumcised
penis, pissing where my head was previously located.
I could tell by the stupid look in Dumdum’s eyes that he was sleepwalking, so I
immediately tried to wake him up. Albino had woke up at this point, because
Dumdum was standing on his shoulders. I started to yell at Dumdum to wake
up, but the piss started to roll down my face towards my mouth. I sort of had to
yell and blow the piss off at the same time. I did not want the piss to touch my
lips, so I sort of vibrated my lips and made a raspberry sound as I tried to ward
off the urine.
Albino shook Dumdum a couple of times to wake him up, as he also knew
about his sleepwalking tendencies. Albino steered Dumdum towards the
bathroom, and I followed behind him to clean up, all the while making the
raspberry sound with my lips to keep the piss out. I was also blinking a lot to
keep it out of my eyes.
Dumdum made it to the toilet ahead of me, so I shoved him out of the way to
get to the bathtub and wash off. Dumdum was so out of it, that he had no clue
he had just pissed on my head. After I shoved him out of the way, he got upset
and yelled, “Hey man, I am trying to take a piss.”
“You just peed on my fucking head!”
Dumdum ignored me and went back to finishing his piss, while I washed my
head off. I was so goddamn drunk and tired that I washed my head off, went
back to the room, stole another buddies pillow (who told me to fuck off, I told
him Dumdum had just peed on my head), went back to my spot, put the pillow
down where Dumdum had peed, and went back to sleep. Fortunately, the
spot was pretty dry because my head had blocked most of the urine. I was too
damned tired to punch Dumdum.
The next morning went like this:
Next up on Just Put that Fecies Anywhere: John and Albino solve the Shit
Mystery
Me: “You know you peed on my head last night?”
Dumdum: “Albino told me. I don’t remember doing it.”
Me: “I know you don’t, but you still peed on my head.”
Dumdum: “Dude, I don’t remember doing it”
Me (getting pissed off -- pun intended): “I know, but you pissed
on my fucking head!”
Dumdum: “I don’t remember doing it!”
Me (yelling now): “Yes, but you know that it happened!”
Dumdum: “I don’t remember!”
Me: “Just fucking apologize goddamn it!”
Dumdum: “Fine, I’m sorry.”
