11/21/08 - The presidential pardon is a moronic concept that long ago
surpassed its usefulness. Many presidents have abused this power, most
notably our last three presidents. George Bush #1 pardoned a slew of
people involved with the Iran Contra scandal, which essentially prevented
him from having to testify since many believe he was involved. Imagine
that no-brainer abuse of power: “Should I pardon these guys? Shit yeah, if
they name names I might have to pardon myself!”
Bill Clinton should be in jail for his abuse of the presidential pardon. I am
not going to go into the mess that is the Clinton-Rodham family tree, but a
bunch of Clinton and Rodham siblings and half siblings were paid large
sums of money by people wishing to be pardoned, so that they would
lobby President Clinton to have them pardoned. Bill took a moment from
whacking off to Barely Legal to sign most if not all of these pardon
requests. Presidents can essentially get away with pardoning anyone they
choose, but Clinton damn near got in legal trouble because of the money
that went to his siblings or sibling-in-laws.
In addition, Clinton pardoned buddies that refused to testify against him
during Whitewater, and Mark Rich who owed $48 million in taxes,
committed tax fraud, and made illegal oil deals with Iran during the
hostage crisis. He was living in Switzerland to avoid punishment.
Coincidentally Marc Rich’s wife was a gigantic contributor to Bill’s, and
later Hillary's political campaigns. Do you think that had anything to do
with it? (Note: people that donate large sums of money to the political
party in control of the Presidency often receive pardons).
Clinton also pardoned his brother Roger Clinton who was convicted of
cocaine possession for absolutely no good reason besides the fact that
he was his brother. All told, Clinton pardoned 140 people on the last days
of his presidency.
Bush #2 already commuted Scooter Libby’s sentence, and he will soon
pardon him before he leaves office (my prediction, if I am wrong I promise
to get drunk). Scooter Libby is a traitor that revealed the identity of a CIA
spy because her husband voiced his opposition to the Bush presidency
(the spy was a chick – I know I know, she should be at home making her
husband bacon!). This may not seem like that big of a deal, but this could
start a dangerous precedence. If Presidents are allowed to pardon
traitors with little backlash from the public, we are not far off from South
America politics; where being on the wrong political side can put you in
serious danger if you are a member of the intelligence or military
community.
But this site is called farteaters, and I don’t want to get too serious. So I
will stop with the seriousness and give you two examples of the funniest
presidential pardons of all time along with two pardons I believe George
W. should consider.
#3 – George Steinbrenner
The reasons for his pardon are not really that funny; I just can’t believe
George Steinbrenner was pardoned. What was he indicted for in the first
place? Being an asshole? Firing too many managers? No, it turns out
Goergie is a huge Republican, and he gave massive amounts of
contributions to the great Richard Nixon and his reelection campaigns.
Steinbrenner knew the contributions were not going through the legal
election donation channels. In addition he was accused of obstructing
justice. Ronald Reagan pardoned him in the 80’s because Reagan is a
Yankee fan, and well, a Republican.
#2 – Peter Yarrow
The band Peter, Paul, and Mary are famous for
A) The song Puff the Magic Dragon
B) Answering doors naked and boning groupies
C) Being arrested for taking “improper liberties” with a 14 year old girl
D) Having a band member receive a presidential pardon
E) All of the above
The answer is E. In 1970 Peter, Paul, and Mary were on tour. Believe it
or not, folk music used to be very popular, and these bands even had
groupies. While on tour, two sisters, one 18 and the other 14, went to
Peter Yarrow’s hotel room to get an autograph. He answered the door
naked, naturally, and tried to get it on with the two girls. They rebuffed his
advances, and he was later accused and convicted of taking “improper
liberties with a 14 year old girl”. He served three months in jail.
Fortunately, he feels guilty about it to this day, as this quote shows, “In that
time, it was common practice, unfortunately –– the whole groupie thing.”
Oops, I meant he clearly does not feel bad about it, but merely makes an
excuse for trying to rub his ding-dong on a 14 year old girl who wanted an
autograph, because it was “common practice”.
Jimmy Carter pardoned him because he started up Operation Respect; a
sort of anti-bullying, hippy bullshit program that gives assemblies to kids
about conflict resolution. It is reported that Peter Yarrow has received
1,500 wedgies to date from bullies after these assemblies. Congress
even passed a resolution to recognize the achievements of Operation
Respect in 2004. You know, because Congress was not too busy in
2004, what with the war in Iraq and Afghanistan over.
I can’t believe they let this guy near children! I hope he did not give any
presentations to any Catholic schools. Do you know what “common
practice” at those schools used to be?
#1 – Arthur O’Bryan
Another history question for you:
Abraham Lincoln freed the…
A. Slaves
B. Willy
C. Arthur O’Bryan – convicted of attempted bestiality
D. Both A and C
The answer is D, or both A and C. You know what I mean.
Arthur O’Bryan was convicted of attempted bestiality. Is it better or worse
that he tried but failed? President Abraham Lincoln pardoned the
Washington DC resident because he was “otherwise reputable” and
because he was drunk when he attempted the bestiality (sorry FE faithful, I
could not find what animal he tried to bone). Perhaps Honest Abe was
drunk when he pardoned him:
“Are you serious? He got drunk and was caught trying to bone a sheep.
Shiyaaaat! I did that 7 score and 4 years ago. Or was it 4 score and 7
years ago. Who cares?!That is hilarious. I am going to grant that guy a
pardon. What?! You don’t think I’ll do it?! Get me the pardon papers right
now. Pardon me, but I am pardoning that crazy fucker!”
Yes, the presidential pardon was used to pardon a sheep fucker (I am
guessing sheep, because sheep aren't too bad-a-lookers).
Suggestions for Bush’s Presidential Pardons
#1 Rick James
{Please sing along while you read the first sentence}
James was convicted and spent a few years in jail for kidnapping a
woman,…
“The man’s a super freak…”
…tying her up,
“…a super freak,…”
…and forcing her to smoke crack and become his sex slave.
…he’s superfreakin!”
Rick James recently passed away, but he would not be the first to receive
a pardon post mortem. He deserves a pardon simply for his work on The
Dave Chapelle Show, with the Rick James true Hollywood stories being
the funniest sketch comedy bit of all time.
“I am Rick James bitch, and I just got pardoned!”
#2 Colt Brennan
Current Redskins backup QB Colt Brennan has had an interesting career.
He was a blue chip prospect out of Southern California in high school, and
decided on the University of Colorado. Unfortunately for Brennan, the
Boulder program was about to become a mess of sex scandals, and he
was going to be one of the stars.
Colt got rip roaring drunk one night, and stumbled into, or might have been
invited into a girl’s dorm room (depending on whose account you believe).
There he made advances, which she rebuffed, so he said something like,
“You know I am the quarterback right?” got naked, and passed out on her
couch. Reports state that he did not try to force himself on her, but merely
went to sleep on her couch naked.
She was offended, called the cops, and since he got naked and refused to
leave, was charged with a sex crime.
Of all people, I would expect George W. to understand. Don’t tell me
George never got coked up and drunk, refused to leave some girl’s place,
and slept on her couch naked. In fact, I bet George did this while he was
president on a diplomatic trip, “C’mon El Primero Lady de Mexico, I am
standing her naked, let’s get it on. No?! Well do you mind if I sleep on your
el coucho? How about a quesadilla?”
Bush should pardon Colt Brennan because he can chuck the pigskin
pretty good and because who has not passed out on a couch naked in
college? Well, me I guess, but I peed on plenty. I wish I had been naked
those times I pissed myself, I would not have ruined my clothes! That Colt
Brennan is one smart dude.
