The $700 Billion Bailout - And the Pork that came with it
			11/21/08 - Politicians are assholes.  Case in point, the $700 billion economic bailout. You would think that at such a crucial time politicians would suspend the unethical practice of “pork barreling”. Pork barreling is the practice of attaching bullshit provisions onto a bill to benefit a state or district by allocating money in some form to that specific area.  They may do this with tax cuts or with cash provisions. Usually it is added to gain a congress person’s vote and has nothing or very little to do with the original purpose of the bill. Many news shows ran brief stories on the pork that was attached to the bailout (as it did not pass the first time around). I was frustrated with these news stories as they briefly mentioned some of the pork, but did not finish the story and inform the public who changed their vote because their district or state benefited from the pork. Alas, we are at the stage where farteaters does a better job of covering current events than the traditional news media. Surprisingly Alaska did not seem to benefit from any, as they are usually the biggest consumers of pork benefits. If you live in Alaska, chances are the federal government subsidizes some part of your life thanks to powerful Senators whom I would like to kick in the nuts (Ted Stevens and Lisa Murkowski).  If you fart in Alaska you receive $5 a check from Uncle Sam. Here is a list of the sections (aka pork) that were added to the bailout and the asshole cocksuckers whose states and/or districts benefited from the pork installed in the bailout. Sec. 503 – The toy wooden arrow tax relief Fucking Oregonians! This section makes producers of certain types of toy wood arrows exempt from certain taxes. This baby will cost us $2 million.   But what is a mere $2 million when compared to $700 billion, right?  That is merely like being fucked in the ass by some dude with a small dick after being fucked in the ass by Peter North. Well, I don’t want to be fucked in the ass whether it is with $2 million or with $700 billion.  So fuck the Oregon Senators (Ronald Wyden and Gordon Smith) for sponsoring this shit. This section was widely reported in the news, but as you can see below, it was minor compared with the costs of the others. Apparently Oregon Senators don’t have very big pork barreling balls.  Don’t worry; their Representatives do (see Sec. 601). Sec. 317 – The South will rise again, and they will do it with Nascar Isn’t Nascar always claiming they are the most popular sport in America?   Well than why the fuck do race tracks need a tax break? Sec. 317 allows track owners to write off the costs of their facilities for seven years while the IRS wanted to extend it to 15 years. Jerry: “You don’t even know what a write off is, do you?” Kramer: “No. Do you? Jerry: “No. I don’t” Kramer: “But they do Jerry, and they are writing it off!” All you need to know is that this costs $100 million in tax revenue.  To borrow from my earlier analogy, Oregon raped our collective ass, the South gang raped it. Sec. 308 – Rum punch! What the fuck, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands? Are you fucking kidding me?!  This section extends a tax break on imported rum from PR and VI through 2009 and will cost us $192 million in tax revenue. These are not even states! Unfortunately they have congressmen (one each – Donna Christensen for the US Virgin Islands and Luis Fortuno for Puerto Rico), and they are not against of butt raping the American taxpayer.  Bend over; US protectorates are getting in on the gang rape! Who is next, American Samoa? – That is called foreshadowing! Sec. 301 – What do biker gangs, computer nerds, and engineering geeks have in common? They are fucking us in the ass to the tune of $19 billion in tax ravings. This section gives a tax credit to companies that are doing research and experimentation in the US. Many companies benefit from this provision, including Harley-Davidson (headquarters: Milwaukee WI), and two huge employers in the state of Washington: Boeing and Microsoft.  How do you like those Washington Red Apples? I would like them a lot better if you were not ass raping me while I ate them. Sec. 504 – Next time you could at least buy us dinner first Representative Don Young, a representative from Arkansas got this one in. It allows Exxon Valdez plaintiffs to average out their punitive damages over three years instead of one.  Merely a $49 million ass rape.  Next time Don could at least buy us dinner first. Sec. 601 – Larry Craig given $3.3 billion to fuck more people in the ass You may remember Larry Craig as the gay senator from Idaho that got caught trying to fuck an undercover cop in a Minnesota airport.  He is back, and he is now ass fucking all of us. He originally championed this bill in 2006, and it just got extended. This one is a little confusing, but it will cost around $3.3 billion in payments to logging states like Oregon and Idaho.  Essentially the tax payers are paying areas that lost revenue due to the decline in logging. Speculation is that this was one of the key pieces of pork which got the bailout bill passed. Fucking Oregonians! We warned you, you can ass rapes us once, shame on me, ass raping us twice, and we are bringing Compton up there to kick your ass! Sec. 201 – No state income taxes, no problem This one allows residents of states that don’t pay income tax (Texas, Nevada, Florida, Washington, and Wyoming) to deduct sales tax paid over the course of the year.  This one cost a mere $3.3 billion in tax revenue. A two year old just learning to speak could have debated against this one with one simple question: “Why?” If you don’t pay state income taxes, why should you be allowed to write-off another tax? Isn’t this like getting something for free, and then getting a discount on something else as a result: “Free with all No State Income Tax, 5% off Federal Income Tax!” Apparently when you are congressmen and you are pork barreling, you can have your ass rape cake and eat it too. Sec. 502 – “This week on CSI Los Angeles… ..Diane Watson’s pubes are found all over American Tax payers rear ends, but could she have ass raped everyone? Wednesday at 9, on CBS” I don’t mean to spoil it for you, but at the end of the show they show her some evidence and she conveniantly confesses her guilt just as the hour long episode comes to a close.   This section gives certain types of movie and television productions new tax favorable treatment and makes other tax favorable treatment permanent. $478 million tax revenue costs over 10 years. At least she put on a small strap-on and fucked us all slowly. Diane Watson is a representative from Southern California. Sec. 325 – Wool, wool, wool, what do we have here… We have the American people being ass raped by Representative Louise Slaughter of New York and Melissa Bean of Illinois.  This extends a tax break to wool fabric producers from its current end date of 2010, until 2015. That is a little confusing so I will simplify: In 2010, Louise Slaughter of New York and Melissa Bean of Illinois are scheduled to ass rape the American taxpayer to the tune of $148 million over the course of five years.  But don’t worry, the nurse will put a nice wool blanket over your shoulders after you take the rape kit at the hospital. Sec. 309 – Does the American Samoan congressmen love pork? Anybody that knows any Polynesians knows the answer to that question. Bend over, because Eni F. H. Faleomavaega, the lone representative from American Samoa, has a lot of vowels in his or her name, and he/she is going to fuck us in our collective taxpayer ass until we pronounce his/her name correctly. Is “Eni” a male or female name? Companies investing in Samoa get a tax break --- estimated cost of $33 million. Let me see, we have three of the American protectorates, the US Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico, and American Samoa, getting pork and fucking us in the ass.  Does Guam not like pork, or do they have an aversion to ass raping the American people? Conclusion You may have noticed I did not go for the traditional ‘R’ or ‘D’ next to the representatives names. I chose not to, because when it comes to pork barreling, does it really matter what party they came from?   During the research (in which almost all of the material came from this site: (www.taxpayer.net) I discovered that Republicans and Democrats are willing to work together when it comes to unethical behavior. There were some other provisions within the bill, but my ass hurts too much to continue writing (either from hemorrhoids or the raping). The lesson to learn from this, Republicans and Democrats will cross the aisle to get in on a gang rape of the American people.
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