7/17/06
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synopsis of the beginning of the movie:
- Superman was gone for 5 years visiting his destroyed home planet.
- Lois Lane is engaged, and raising a kid that turns out to be Superman’s
kid. I will refer to him as Superbastard.
- Lex Luthor got out of jail on appeal because Superman did not show up
to court, he married a rich women on her death bed, inherited all her
money, and might be gay (because Kevin Spacey always seems like he
might be gay).
Eventually Lex Luthor’s evil plan is revealed, which is one of the stupidest
plans in movie history:
Luthor finds some crystals at Superman’s hideout that can grow land when
added to water. He decides to take these crystals and drop them in the
Atlantic Ocean to grow a new continent that will put North America (accept for
a small bit of California), then Central America, and eventually South America
underwater. This will kill billions of people, but Luthor does not care. Why? Is
it because…?
Of those four, the selling real estate scam has got to be the dumbest, and it is
the one they went with. The moronic writers made Lex Luthor into the most
evil Realtor in the world! Is this supposed to be scary? What happens in the
sequel, an accounting scam? And why would Luthor need more money when
he just inherited millions?
Beyond that, nothing interesting happens. When Superman comes back he
goes on a saving rampage all over the world, but still peeps on Lois’s family
from time to time. The climactic scene involves Superman almost dying
because Luthor’s new land mass is made of Kryptonite, but after Lois saves
him, he somehow manages to get over this fact and throws the Kryptonite
island into outer space. Luthor gets away leaving the option open for a shitty
sequel.
Superman almost makes out with Lois at the end, but she pulls back because
of her fiancé. Let me get this straight, she let Superman fuck her and blow his
wad inside of her without a krypto-condom to kill the supersperm, but no porn-
style French kiss after he saved her and the Superbastard's life?
This movie sucked, and no amount of nostalgia will make it better. I loved the
Superman movies when I was a kid, and they are still good today. Say what
you will about Christopher Reeves, he could not ride a horse for shit and
before he died the Refrigerator Perry could have beat him in a foot race, but
he was a good Superman. This new guy has the same blank expression in
every scene. I do a better acting job in my farteaters videos. They should
have spiced up this movie by casting The Rock, and had him give the peoples’
eyebrow when he shoots lasers out of his eyes.
In the originals, Gene Hackman was genuinely intimidating as Lex Luthor,
while Kevin Spacey comes off as a condescending interior designer.
As far as suckitude goes, Superman sucked slightly more than Sideways, but
a lot less than Alexander. Bottom line: do not waste your money on this
movie, go see Nacho Libre instead…that is a great movie.
