John Fever, M.D., Patrico Insano

We’ll call this friend I moved in with, "Miles". Miles lived in a very residential setting, not
a typical college neighborhood. We were surrounded by families with kids. The house
itself had two floors, and the bedroom I shared with Miles had an unusual door.

The door’s construction is important to the story, so pay attention.

It worked like an accordion, and it looked like one too. It was attached to a slide track
on the top of the doorway, but it wasn’t connected to either side of the entrance, so it
would swing freely back and forth a little. This gave someone two options with that
wacky door: you could push it to the left and it would compress into a long 2x4, or you
could just push it forward and dip under it. The second option was probably bad for the
door’s overall health, but much funnier compared to the first.

The room behind this bizarro door was on the first floor, right next to the kitchen.

Back to our story…

At the end of that rugby season, the end of the year banquet was held at our house.

The party was no different than any others, and by the end of the night, we had the
usual bunch of drunks passed out on the couches.

Two particular drunks made for great entertainment pieces.

Me, Miles, and John K. were still up. John K. was sitting on a giant Lay-Z Boy chair,
eating an array of cheese products he’d found. He was pleased as punch, and
laughing at Miles and I play with the near dead drunks.

One drunk was Patricio Insano. The other drunk was Ozark Bob. Ozark Bob came
from the forgotten far north region of California, and he was every bit the mountain man
that his name suggests. He was short, but built like the logging truck he was born in,
and his hair was long and gold like the coat of the lonesome Grizzly bear that swam in
his pool every spring

If you’ve ever driven around those northern lake communities, you’ve probably noticed
that red-neck DNA gives its males great bodies and flawless tans. Ozark Bob was no
different, so he used every opportunity to go shirtless at our rugby bashes.

On our couch slept these two kindred spirits.

Patricio Insano’s lust for chaos was evened out by Ozark Bob’s stoic frontier demeanor,
and I think Ozark Bob’s kinship with nature put Insano’s unstable soul at ease. They
were both passed out as many drinking buddies pass out together: Ozark Bob was
sitting straight up, and Insano was laying down with his head wedged between the
couch backing and Ozark Bob’s ass. You couldn’t see Patricio’s head, but we knew he
was still alive because whenever he started suffocating between Ozark’s ass and the
couch, he would unconsciously start punching at the mountain man until he would
nudge forward and give Insano some air again.

That kept us laughing for a good hour, but eventually we got bored and added cheese
to the fire.

John K. loves cheese more than anyone I’ve ever met. He once told me that sometime
around the year 2012, America would wise-up and use bio-engineering to infuse all
food products with cheddar crystals. He pointed out that Cheddarwusrt sausages were
only the beginning of his utopian cheese vision.

Needless to say, he wasn’t pleased at my idea to plant the brick of cheese he was
eating directly into Ozark Bob’s tight whites.

But he warmed up to it after old Ozark Bob felt the cheese brick in his loins, smashed it
for a second into his own octopus nest, snarled, took most of it out, and then smashed
it on Insano’s melon as retaliation against one of his suffocation outbursts.

Upon seeing this, John K. started coughing up Cheese-Its and kicking his feet on the
Lay-Z Boy with delight. Then, he said exactly these words, “this has been the greatest
night of my life! Thank You!”

Miles and I agreed. As did Ozark and Insano, because the next day we found two,
double-strength wiz stains where they had slept. We estimated no less than 3 separate
pissings on each stain.

----------------------------------------Story by John Fever, MD------------------------------------

Part 3
Go to Part 1


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	Bandits Part 2 of 3: Another Cheese Joke 4/28/06


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