| Matt K. Super Middleweight Farting Champion of the World Height 5’8” Weight: 175 lbs. Division: Super Middleweight Indoor Reach: 20 feet Outdoor Reach: depends on wind Bio: Matt K. will be known as one the greatest farters of his era and perhaps of all time. He was a storied amateur farter, having gone undefeated during his days farting at Acalanes and Del Oro High Schools. He continued that success on the pro circuit. However, the road to farting champion was not an easy one. Matt overcame many obstacles on his way to the top of the farting world, not the least of which was the stereotype that Caucasians cannot fart as good as Mexicans. He produced a dizzying array of skills and on any given night he could beat you with audibility, smell factor, and frequency. Many fart historians believe that no other farter ever possessed such a wide variety of farting abilities. While he currently holds the Super Middleweight title, he often would fart up a weight class and take on bigger farters. Many of these larger farters would take Matt lightly, only to be surprised when they smelled the vicious gas that spewed forth from the smaller man. Many of these large farters were forced to tap out early with comments such as, “Wow that is fucking gross dude!” Matt K. did not solidify his legend until he showed he could fart with the best Super Middleweights in Mexico. His promoter scheduled an event in Rosarita for Spring Break 1998 billed as the “Gringo Farts Down Under Tour”. This angered many Australians as they laid claim to the term “Down Under”, but the promoter was a notorious moron and did not understand why so many “Austrians” were angry. After his successful tour of Mexico, Matt settled into San Francisco. It was here that many of his legendary farting escapades took place. Using the patented fart in a bar, raise your arm up, and point at yourself technique, he was actually kicked out of a bar for farting. On another incident, he was farting in the middle of a bar and pointing at himself, when the bouncer came up and said: “If you don’t stop farting, I am going to have to kick you out.” Matt turned to his cut man P. Weir to clarify the situation: Weir: “I just want to get this straight, you are going to kick him out if he does not stop farting?” Bouncer: “Hey, I can hardly believe it myself, but three different groups of chicks have complained to me about his farts!” On another occasion, Matt Kunz successful farted out two opponents with one fart. John K. and Matt K. were working in close quarters on a roof in Vacaville, when Matt let rip. Matt brought his ‘A’ game that day, and John K. was forced to evacuate the area. The foreman witnessed John’s evacuation, and went in to inspect the situation. Upon getting a whiff of the nasty gas, the foreman tapped out and threatened Matt with termination: “You have to stop doing that!” he said angrily. “That is fucking gross man. You need to go see a doctor.” With any great champion, there are great rivalries. Ali had Fraser/Norton/Foreman, Holyfield had Tyson, Leonard had Hagler/Hearns/Duran, and Gotti had Ward. Matt K. had Devon. While Matt was honing his farting skills in the mean hallways of Acalanes, Devon was doing the same at nearby Monte Vista. Both their legends grew, but they did not face each other until the 2000 Car Ride when Devon decided to fart up from his regular Welterweight division. Both farters prepared heavily the night before, closing down the bars of Walnut Creek and eating pizza. The 2000 Car Ride is viewed by many as the best Fart Off of all time. Matt and Devon held nothing back, having great audibility, amazing smells, and what was described as too much frequency. The results of the 2000 Car Ride are still debated to this day; some passengers say Devon won, others Matt K. The result was a draw. Matt of course feels he won the battle, but has no regrets, “If I tried any harder I would have shit my pants”. Matt K. is still farting, although he is currently without a promoter. Right now he is content to sit on his couch and spar with roommates John K. and Adan “The Hispanic”. Adan was quite a farter himself in his day, although he recently turned 30 and therefore past his farting prime. Actually he is past his prime in everything now that he turned the dreaded three-zero. "The Hispanic" provides good competition for Matt K., and between the two of them they keep John thoroughly disgusted on a regular basis. |
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