| Eric Vota Heavyweight Fart Champion of the World Height 6'1" Weight: 230 lbs. Indoor Reach: 10 feet Outdoor Reach: depends on wind The Chico Vomit Fart There are cities that seem to produce an inordinate amount of great athletes for certain sports. When you think of boxing you think of Philadelphia or Mexico. When you think of football you think of Miami, LA, or any other ghetto in the US. With basketball it is New York. With farting, that city is a snobby little suburb east of San Francisco called Lafayette. More specifically, fart champions seem to all attend Acalanes High School. Many great farters have graced the halls of Acalanes: current super middleweight champion Matt K. went there until he got kicked out, Adan “the Hispanic” farted his way through four years, and of course, Mrs. White, one of the greatest farters of the 60s, taught English there while farting her ass off. The subject of this essay may not be one of the farting greats to come out of Acalanes, but about his participation in one of the greatest farts of all time. The year was 1997. The Vota twins, Eric and Paul, were both attending Chico State. Being twins their 21st birthdays fell on the same day (I looked this up, it is possible). They did what all Chico State students do on their birthdays and got rip-roaring drunk. Rumor has it that they were so drunk even they could not tell each other apart. Eric thought Paul was Eric, Paul thought Eric was Paul. At one point they were about to come to blows because they both thought they were Eric. Finally Watson intervened: “You both are Eric! Now shut up and let’s go get some Tacos!” They both seemed to accept this answer. Possibly because they both thought they were Eric, but most likely because the Votas have an addiction to cheese that borders on a fetish, and tacos have cheese. The next morning both Vota’s and Watson sat on the front stoop of 1414 Almond Street, trying to recollect the previous night. The front stoop of Almond Street alone was enough to make one sick, with its 4 week old spitters, half-drunk silver bullet cans, dirty Geno pizza roll wrappers, and dog waste. But they were seasoned college students living in one of the trashiest blocks in Chico, so it did not affect them. It was around noon (that is considered morning when you are in college) when civil war was declared inside Eric’s belly. The cheese decided they wanted to keep the peanuts as slaves, the boozes wanted to emancipate the peanuts. There would be no reconciliation. It was war. Most would guess that this battle would result in diarrhea, which it did later, but at the onset of this battle came the most thunderous of farts. Witnesses on Almond Street would claim latter that they heard a loud “FUUUUUUUUURPWAP!” and thought it was the moving of the earth’s tectonic plates. The fart traveled with amazing velocity, reaching Paul in record time. Before he could mouth a response, his nasal cavity sent warnings to his brain that what he just smelled could not come from a mere human’s ass, but must be mustard gas or perhaps bear mace. Paul’s brain immediately triggered the stomach to start throwing up to avoid nerve damage. The puke was terrifying, as you’d expect from a 21-year-old college student that loves cheese, beer, and yaegermeister and who’s body thinks it has been given a dose of mustard gas. Luckily, Paul is pretty quick for a heavyweight, and he made it over to the weeds before he began projectile vomiting like he was some sort of human sprinkler system. All Eric could do is sit on the stoop and laugh as he enjoyed the smell of his own gas and the knowledge that the fart made him the Heavyweight Fart Champion of the World. Years later, Paul still remembers the smell: “I suppose I could liken it to half a dozen rotten Easter eggs mixed with ammonia, taco bell, soiled baby diaper, and the body odor of 8 sweaty Europeans.” While no one will ever claim that Paul Vota could fart with the likes of Matt K., Adan “The Hispanic”, or Mrs. White, he will always hold a special place in Acalanes fart history for what some say was the greatest fart of all time, what will always be remembered as the “Chico Vomit Fart”. |