I was an 18 year old guy just starting my freshman year in college when I had
the misfortune of befriending the biggest reprobate I have ever met until
before Slippery Pete came along years later. His name was Rob and he lived
in my dorm and was pledging the same fraternity I was. After only two weeks
of school the campus broke up for Labor Day weekend and he invited to go to
his parents’ house in Scottsdale to hang out. His parents and 11 year old little
sister were gone. So being a couple of teenage fuck-wits the weekend
evolved into a 48 hour drinking bender.
The house was typical of all homes that have been built in the wealthy
suburbs of Phoenix for the last forty-years. It was two stories with a large patio
and swimming pool off the kitchen. As soon as we arrived on Friday he was on
the phone with his High School pals and within a few hours a fairly descent
party was under way. His buddies gave him a lot of shit about how they could
only hang out when his girlfriend was not around. I thought it odd that I was
surrounded by High School kids but I was only a year older than them at that
point so my behavior wasn’t too deviant. I woke up at the crack of noon the
following Saturday and immediately poured myself a captain and coke and
headed out to the pool.
It was after our second bong rip in the late afternoon that Rob came up with a
brilliant idea. “Hey man, I really think it is time to break up with my girlfriend, I
mean she is still in High School and is really kind of immature, you know
man?” I really didn’t know, nor did a give a shit. The only thing I knew for
certain is that I was drunk and stoned and lounging around the pool in 95
degree heat like a Spaniard on holiday.
‘Dave, man, would you watch?” I slowly turned to look at him sitting in the pool
about ten feet away.
“Watch what?” I asked.
“Watch me break up with her.”
“Why?
“All my buddies say I am pussy whipped- you heard them last night and I want
a witness to watch me break up her.”
“That is the stupidest fuck’n idea I have ever fuck’n heard.”
‘No man, it will be funny.”
After about ten minutes of this banter and another pull of the bong I was
finally stoned enough to agree to bear witness to this sophomoric weirdness
and we immediately went to work trying to determine where I should hide. For
a couple of stoned guys our focus on the task at hand was rather impressive.
We walked around the house but all our schemes allowing me to watch
without being detected proved implausible. His parents were having his sister’
s room painted and had moved her stuffed animal collection into the small 24”
gap between his bed and the wall. I was looking at it this virtual Noah’s Arc of
stuffed toys when I begin to remember that scene from E.T. where the mom
looks at all the stuffed animals and fails to notice E.T.’s head poking out.
‘What if I could put on some kind of costume and hide in that pile?” I asked
mostly to myself and before I could pour another drink Rob and I were in his
Jeep smoking a joint and heading to a custom shop. At this point it was about
4:00 and she was scheduled to arrive for her break up at 6:00. Then a bunch
of his buddies were going to be there around 7:00 to booze and listen to me
regale them with the tale of the heartlessness that young Robby displayed
while breaking up with his girlfriend. The plan was a fuck’n Swiss watch and
we were already congratulating ourselves.
We barreled into the costume shop just as it was closing and after some
intense discussion decided that a gorilla suit was the best alternative. We paid
the infuriated store clerk who had overheard us discussing our flawless plan
while giggling like a couple of Junior High School girls. The plan was brilliant in
its simplicity. I was going to put on this Gorilla suit and sit in the space where
all the stuffed animals were being temporarily stored. Rob would cover me
with the animals so my head was poking out and I could watch the show.
Once back at his place we poured a couple of doubles, toasted our brilliance,
and staged the room. In our drunken haste though we failed to turn the air
conditioner back on and by the time we finished our second double the
doorbell rang-she was early.
I threw on the gorilla suit and Rob covered me with dozens of these stupid
animals trying to make the whole thing appear as if the painter had moved a
large stuffed Gorilla and manner of other toys and haphazardly threw them
into his room. I can only imagine how I must have looked with my blue eyes
clearly visible through the black slits in the mask. It was too late to turn back
though and soon I heard them talking as they were walking up the stairs.
Please realize that by now the Air Conditioner had been off for about two-and-
a-half hours, it was 90 degrees outside, and I had been drinking copious
amounts of booze all day. I was sitting there in that hot, rubber suit for only
about 30 seconds before I started to sweat like O.J. Simpson under cross
examination. By the time they actually entered the room I was totally drenched
and I couldn’t help but to notice the tremendous amount of pressure that was
making itself known in my bladder. When they walked into the room she
stared right at me (although I had rested my head to the side, which was
tremendously uncomfortable, my eye level was still just above the bed). I
thought for sure the jig was up and that I would soon be able to leave this
misery and walk out of there with my bowels in tact, but she didn’t notice
anything out of the ordinary and I was stuck. One thing Rob didn’t tell me was
that his Girlfriend was fuck’n stunning in that 17-year old cheerleader kind of
way.
“I am glad you came over because I need to talk to you about something.” He
said.
“Well, can it wait?” She asked “Because I really just want to fuck right now!”
What a filthy bitch was all I could think. No wonder why Rob wants to break up
with her. Now let’s get this over with before I embarrass myself any further.
‘Ahhh” Rob started to stutter while glancing in my direction “O.K.”
That motherfucker! The older I get the more I believe that sick bastard
planned the whole thing.
In less than a minute they were both naked and soon they were bumping and
grinding like animals on top of the bed not two feet from my face. If I wasn’t
drunk, stoned, and sitting in a hot rubber suit sweating my balls off- I might
have been a little more interested in the show. Rob was also extremely drunk
and was suffering though what is called “Whiskey Dick” in some rusticated
circles. They did every position I had ever heard of and some I could never
have imagined. At one point the girl’s ass was literally two inches from my
face. All I could think of at the time though was how badly I had to pee and
how this was truly the most miserable experience of my short life. Five minutes
went by, then ten, and I started to wonder if I should just pee on myself, but
remembered that I had used my mom’s credit card for the deposit and if I
explained to her that she was billed $300.00 because I couldn’t hold my urine
while my newest best friend was ravishing a teenage nympho, well, let’s just
say that I would not be allowed home for Thanksgiving. I think I made it to the
18 minute mark before I reached my breaking point.
At the time I felt like I was moving in slow motion and maybe I was, but trying to
be as discreet as possible I pushed all the stuffed animals aside and started
to stand up while letting out a groan. Her initial scream was a primal one and if
you ever find yourself deep in the Arizona desert country you can still hear
the echo. I didn’t have the time or the inclination to introduce myself or explain
what I was doing there dressed in a gorilla suit. “Dude, what the…” was all
Rob could mumble as I ripped off the mask and without looking at either of
them I bounded across the bed like a Mexican jumping a fence.
‘Excuse me; pardon me, woman and a baby coming through.” I ran out of the
room and started to tear off the top part of the costume and wrestle my legs
free from the bottom. I knew I wasn’t going to make it and that I was going to
have to multitask. I sprinted into the kitchen and grabbed a beer out of the
cooler before running out the door and jumping into the pool all while peeing
in my boxers.
I stood in the shallow end, about waist deep, peeing on myself, drinking my
beer, listening to the screaming coming from the upstairs bedroom, and
wondering how those poor bastards survived the Bataan Death March. I
realized then and there that I wouldn’t survive more than 18 minutes in the
military. Upstairs I could hear Rob getting verbally ripped apart, the more he
tried to explain what we were trying to accomplish the more asinine he
sounded.
“You are a fuck’n Pig!” She finally screamed followed by the silence of her
leaving the room and walking down the stairs.
I knew it was my turn, I knew that she would somehow blame me; a man whom
she had never met before and had seen for the first time only a few minutes
earlier, when caught in a moment of desperation, jumping around frantically
and trying to free himself from the constraints of an ill-fitting and miserably hot
gorilla suit. I stood in the shallow end and nursed what was left of my beer, to
nervous to walk into the kitchen to get another one.
