July 2007 Joey Chestnut Not a Badass
			7/12/07 - I had heard that Joey Chestnut finally beat Kobayashi in the annually hot dog eating contest by eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes.   I had always been curious about eating contests ever since I lost a Taco eating contest to Adan the Fat at halftime of Super Bowl XIXSTD (Raiders vs. Bucs, I ate 16, Adan ate 18). I found the hot dog eating contest on ESPN and recorded it on DVR.   Going in, I thought that eating 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes would qualify for Badass of the Month honors.  Then I watched it. Many things pissed me off about the hot dog eating contest.  First and foremost, was the announcing.  The fucking dooshbag color commentator kept trying to play up the event like it was a real athletic contest.  At one point he said that Joey Chestnut winning would be, “The greatest thing to happen in American Sports history”.  Let me get this straight, there is the 1980 Olympic Hockey team, Mohamed Ali winning the Heavyweight title four times (before Don King ruined boxing), Joe Montana’s four Super Bowls, Dimaggio’s 56 game hit streak, but on top of the list is Joey Chestnut beating Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest.  He may have been slightly joking, but to even call this freak show a sport is going to far. Throughout the telecast the announcer introduced the audience to competitive eating lingo such as “chipmunking”, filling your cheeks with food, and “clearing”, using water to clear your mouth of food.   This leads me to my next issue with the contest… Forget the terms chipmunking and clearing.  These guys were blowing the hot dogs.  Take away the biting and chewing, and it looked like these guys were blowing hot dog after hot dog. They looked like porn stars, which is not necessarily bad, except they were the worst kind of porn stars, gay ones (not Les Bos, but...you know what I mean). Add the bits of bun they had all over there face and in their nostrils and it was a truly disgusting site. Lastly, the MC tried to make Joey Chestnuts victory out to be a patriotic win. Before he announced the victory he gave him an American flag and you can hear him off mike tell Joey to hold it up.   Are you fucking kidding me?  Just because one or two Japanese guys decide to compete in something as stupid as competitive eating, does not make it international.  It just means there are stupid losers from Japan as well as America. Competitive eating is not a sport, but a sad, pathetic sideshow.  It is sort of like the bearded lady at a circus, you don’t really want to see the freak, but before you know it you are throwing food at her cage and she is throwing her fecal matter at you.  In fact that does not even do competitive eating justice; it is like watching the bearded lady having lesbian sex with Ellen Degeneres who is simultaneously crapping in her hand and throwing it at you. The final verdict is that Joey Chestnut is not a badass, but merely a very gay eater that chose the stupidest contest possible to compete in.  So tough shit Joey Chestnut, but you are not the July 2007 Farteaters Badass of the Month, you are simply a loser...says the 30 year-old man with a website named farteaters.
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